Tales of Grand Gaia Skit: The VK-What?
by Tobi Katsura
Summary: As our heroes enter through the gate, they behold the heavenly sights that the new town has to offer. All courtesy of the town's latest fashion trend.


"Tales of Grand Gaia" Skit: The Virgin-Killer What?

Our heroes looked on in a combination of shock, awe, and _arousal (?)_ as they entered yet another new town.

"The sun shone high in the sky, its rays accentuating the lovely views this new town had to offe- _Atro no._ " Clutching Urias tightly, Atro tried his hardest to shake off his trailing thoughts.

The moment our heroes had set foot beyond the gate, they feasted their eyes upon the population's rather _distinctive_ manner of dress.

Eric adjusted his hat, hiding a slight grin. "They weren't kidding."

Our group turned their attention to a nearby restaurant. A trio of waitresses came out, carrying food to be served to patrons, who decided to use the tables that were set up outside. They had the usual garments that were standard issue to your average waitress, such as long, cloth gloves, long, white stockings, and frilly headbands. The only difference was their main attire: A wool turtleneck sweater. One would normally wonder why they would wear such a stuffy outfit in this weather… That is, until the waitresses had their backs turned…

Crossing his arms, Zelban couldn't help but smirk under his helmet. "The smooth plains…"

On the opposite end of the street was a bakery. Two women were standing in front of a glass window, taking a look at the freshly baked specialty breads prepared for the day. They both wore simple earrings and simple shoes; however, they both wore different colors of the same sweater. They wanted to take a closer look at the breads lined up along one of the lower shelves, so the two bent down, stretching the base of their sweaters in a certain way…

Eric kept a hand on the rim of his hat. "The rolling hills…"

A small group was jogging along the street. It was most likely the town's guard, as the women were decked out in combat boots, leather gloves, helmets, and weapon holsters. The only odd part of their uniform was that they were wearing the very same sweaters. The party's eyes followed up and down, up and down, as the well-equipped town guard jogged toward the town gate.

Adding a bit of dramatic flair in his voice, Zelban continued from where Eric left off. "The valleys between the massive mountains- **OW!** "

Emilia and Eze proceeded to smack the two, respectively. The two old men let out a resounding wince of pain. "That's enough out of you two," a rather miffed Emilia said, crossing her arms.

A somewhat unamused Eze crossed his arms, as well. "She's right, ya know? Gotta respect the ladies," he said as he shook his head in disapproval. A thought lingered in the back of his mind, but he shrugged it off.

"Wait, is that?" Lance suddenly asked, pointing towards the street. It was at that point that a second squadron had jogged into the scene. They seemed to be part of the same town guard, as these well-toned men had the exact same uniforms as the women who came before. Yes, right down to the sweaters.

Emilia took in a deep breath as the second squadron jogged past the party. "Those chiseled cliffs and them firm plateaus…"

"Those dangling weapons, too- _Atro no_." Atro proceeded to mentally slap himself.

Lava was unaffected by the visual stimulation. Instead, she studied the scene with eyes of inquisitive fascination. "Amazing… To think that such a garment could be physically possible and could be worn by this many people…"

Vargas scratched his head. "Yeah, I wonder what it is. And why."

Eric adjusted his hat again, revealing closed eyes. "This is probably the latest fashion trend that has been sweeping Grand Gaia lately..." Suddenly, his eyes shot open, revealing a serious gaze. "The Virgin-Killer Sweater!"

"The Virgin…" Atro and Lance chorused, taken aback by Eric's outburst.

"Killer…" Magress continued.

"Sweater?" Emilia concluded.

Eric nodded. "Yes, the Virgin-Killer Sweater. It is a backless sweater specifically designed to tantalize the onlooker. The sweater is cut just below the collar, and the backside is opened up just up to the point where the person's *ahem* backside begins."

"… Revealing a bit of arse- _Atro no. Stay pure. Stay pure. Stay pure…_ " Atro continued to take a firm hold on Urias.

Eric then pointed his fingers to opposite sides of his neck. "Starting from two opposite points just below the collar, you then proceed to make two cuts that run down the front of your body."

Tilting her head, Lava held her chin, "The distance between the two starting points define how wide the front cloth will be, right?"

"Yes." Eric nodded in agreement.

"Hm… If we take into consideration the varied sizes and shapes of breasts from woman to woman, then the sweater could have varied effects upon a woman based on the width of the front cloth and the composition of the woman's bust," Lava explained. "If we take, for example, a woman with a large and well-formed bust…"

As Lava spoke on, Vargas absentmindedly nodded as his eyes quietly trailed to the Agni swordsman's large and well-formed mounds. He began to imagine her in a black sweater. He pictured the black wool blanketing her shapely bust like a night sky over a pair of massive mountains. When Lava began speaking of the stretching of the cloth, Vargas further focused his thoughts on the woolen stitching brushing against her peaks as her towering mountains stretched the cloth forward.

"If the cloth isn't wide enough, then a woman with a significantly large bust would not be able to cover up all of her breasts." As Lava continued on, Vargas, in his mind, beheld the sight of the base of her mountains, as revealed by the woolen sweater. Such a breathtaking view aroused a sense of wanderlust within this young voyageur, pushing him to explore more.

Eze joined in with an equal sense of curiosity as Lava. "What about a lady with smaller breasts?"

Lava explained, "With a wide enough cloth, she should be able to cover her breasts up. The viewer would only be given a view of her back. The view stops just before you can see the breasts, and the viewer is driven to find out what she looks like underneath the cloth."

An image entered Eze's noggin: A certain Atharvan general sparkling in backless elegance. "… Perfect."

"Did you say something?" asked Emilia, tilting her head slightly.

"Uh…" Eze quickly scanned his surroundings. "Perfect…" He saw a red lantern. "Time…" He saw fat chickens. "For…" He saw some round buns. "… Some of mabo curry buns!" He began waving his hands in the air. "I love huge buns! They're really tasty!"

The list of people who could have facepalmed at that very moment: Vargas, Lava, Selena, Lucina, Lance, Drevas, Atro, Zelban, Magress, and Eric.

"Y-yeah, let's do that afterwards…" Forcing a smile, Emilia had this feeling that she should just roll with it.

Magress decided to… Not let this discussion get derailed. "On a man's chest, that garment probably wouldn't have much impact since it is normal for men to expose their chests."

Zelban shook his head, "You'd be surprised. Men's pectorals, and abdomens, for that matter, can vary in shape and size, as well, albeit not as varied as women's breasts. I can tell you that a lot of people would love to see a man's bare chest just as much as a woman's bare chest. It's just that they aren't vocal enough."

Zelban then turned to the readers and pointed at them. "This has been a public service announcement. Please be more vocal about your love for bare-chested males."

Magress nodded. "Heh, you have a point." Magress then proceeded to picture himself wearing a virgin-killer sweater, playing around with the width of the front cloth.

"Active discussion. I like it." Nodding, Eric smirked a bit. "Now, moving on with my lecture…" Eric continued to move his fingers down his body. "Once near the hips, the two cuts then curve back." His fingers proceeded to curve around his waist. He then turned his back to show how his two fingers would meet. "Curving like so, the two cuts then meet at the middle, right on the person's backside."

Atro and Lance looked away, trying to hold back their blush.

"And so, we have come full circle. Well, technically, it's an oval, but you get the idea. Once you take away the cut, you are then left with…" The lecture continued with Eric and Lava discussing the sweater's backless feature in colorful detail. Meanwhile, Eze's mind began to wander…

Wearing one of the virgin-killers, a tired Emilia sat upon Eze's lap. To support her body and to keep her from falling, he took hold of the smooth skin of her bare waist.

"My shoulders feel a bit… Stiff. Can you… Massage them for me?"

Eze then rested his warm hands upon Emilia's bare shoulders.

"Mmmmph…" Emilia cooed slightly as Eze began exerting pressure upon her shoulders.

"Go lower… Go low- Mmmmmmm…" Emilia cooed once again as Eze began massaging her shoulder blades, moving his fingers in a circular fashion.

"Lower…" Eze took hold of Emilia's upper waist. "Aahhhh…" she moaned as his thumbs applied pressure upon her back.

"Low… Er…" Eze's arms went further down still, reaching the border of her waistline. Exerting more pressure than before, Eze circled his thumbs around her lower back.

It was then that Emilia looked over her shoulder. With flushed cheeks, she smiled coyly as she took both of Eze's hands. Slowly, she began to move his hands further down. " _… Lower, Eze…_ "

"Does anyone have anything to add?" A flushing Eze snapped back into reality when Eric called out to his "class." He shook his head, telling himself that he shouldn't be having these kinds of thoughts about her...

Before Lance could comment on how dangerously backless the sweater was, Selena raised her hand and spoke. "I've actually read an article about it in an issue of Grand Gaia Monthly. In an interview, it said that the designer took inspiration from the war garments used by an old civilization. Worn by all and worn in one of two ways, the garments were said to have stunned their enemies on the spot."

"In one of two ways?" Magress asked.

"The other way's in reverse," Selena nonchalantly replied.

You could already hear Atro and Lance reciting mantras at this very moment, gripping their weapons tightly.

Nodding, Zelban took off his helmet and held it to his side. He took on a more serious tone as he added to the conversation. "Ah yes, the reverse style. It was once said that one of the old Queens of Palmyna had once procured such an outfit. Wearing it in reverse, she charged into war with the neighboring Western Isles, who were aiming to grab the Queen's huge tracts of land. Inspiring her people with her flowing pink locks, her fiery crimson eyes, and her erect-"

"Stature," both Lance and Drevas said.

"… She led her army in a full-frontal assault, and mass bloodshed ensued. Once the battle came to an end, Queen Edelaide of Palmyna deemed the attire too powerful and locked it away forever."

Wide-eyed, Lance blushed profusely as he continued clutching onto Drevas. "He said all that..."

A wide-eyed Drevas continued, "… With a straight face."

Crossing her arms, Lava spoke up. "It's true, though."

Nodding, Selena nonchalantly added. "The Battle at the Valley of the Bulge. Old Grand Gaia Time. Official documents exist in the Palmyna Royal Archives, while public versions are available in your everyday library."

Crossing her arms, Emilia nodded, as well. "So, these outfits do have some historical significance, after all."

Lava held her chin. "Indeed. One must not trifle with the power of these sweaters. If Vargas were to obtain one of these garments, then our next duel would probably be one for the ages." The smile on Lava's face expressed a sense of longing. "Yes, I look forward to that day."

"Eh?!" a wide-eyed Vargas reacted in the background.

Emilia mimicked her pose. "And these outfits aren't just for fanservice, either. By buying one of them, you'll effectively be contributing to the spread of culture and history throughout Grand Gaia." Emilia had a wide smile on her face. "Heh, I'm actually considering buying one for myself."

"Huh?!" a wide-eyed Eze reacted in the background.

"Please," Lucina scoffed. "I don't see what the big deal is. I've been rocking backless outfits before they were cool." She then pointed to her back. "Look at these bloody wings! Can't rip the damn things off! I always hated clothes shopping. Always had to get my clothes altered. Backless uniforms. Backless blouses. Hell, that's why I sleep topless!"

"THAT'S WHY THAT SWEATER WOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU!" a starry-eyed Selena exclaimed.

Lucina was taken aback by Selena's outburst. "Heh?!"

Holding her chin, Selena eyed her best friend with a thoughtful gaze. "If you think about it, the back of the sweater is open enough for your wings to move freely. Also, if in case you were to suddenly grow a dragon tail, your sweater wouldn't get in the way because the back is opened up all the way down to your backside."

"Uh… I guess..."

With both of her hands, Selena cupped her now smiling face, which glowed with a luminescent blush. "I can already imagine how beautiful you'd look in a virgin-killer."

Looking away, Lucina tried to hide the slight blush on her face. "… Beautiful might be a bit too much, 'Lena…"

"You let your hair flow down the front of your body. Your wings were furled. Your back was in full view. The viewer beheld the sight of your smooth back and the light blue wool cloth that hugged your shapely backside. Lacing your fingers together, you pushed your arms up, stretching your entire body. Your wings spread open. Your backside stuck out, peeking out a bit more from the wool fabric."

"Uh… 'Lena?"

"Your arms parted. You stretched them outward, moving them down your body in a circle. Your wings folded and your body relaxed as your hands reached your back. Your fingers laced together once more. You took a peek over your bare shoulder, twisting your body ever so slightly and teasing me with the fleeting sight of your more-than-ample bosom. Your cheeks heated up as your azure gaze locked with the viewer, longing for my…"

"' _Lena_ …"Lucina groaned. Her face was now as pink as a peach.

Selena took both of her best friend's hands. Their eyes met. "But 'Cina, it's true. I really do think you'd look great in it," Selena said. "I mean that."

From behind Selena, Lucina saw Eric smirk a bit as he gave a thumbs-up. Zelban grinned while giving two thumbs-up. Magress, Emilia, and Lava nodded in agreement. The rest of the boys were just stiff.

Selena simply smiled. "Come, let's go out and get one." Her small smile then became a wide grin. "Besides, I kinda want one of my own, too."

"…" At that moment, Lucina decided to just go with it. "… Ok."

Selena's smile glowed as she took Lucina's hand. "There's no need to worry. I'm with you all the way, 'Cina, like I promised." She then gave her friend a reassuring nudge on her shoulder.

Nodding, Lucina smiled back, lacing her fingers with Selena's.

"I'm coming, too," Lava declared.

"Really? Why?" Emilia asked.

Crossing her arms, Lava closed her eyes dramatically. "These sweaters have the power to kill virgins. If Vargas could overcome its power, then he might be able to unleash his hidden potential." She opened her eyes. "The next time we face off, I want Vargas to come at me with full force. That is why…" Her gaze was filled with determination. "I must obtain a sweater for myself." Lava also considered the fact that she sometimes sprouts wings, too.

Emilia shrugged. "That's not exactly how it works, but meh, I'm coming with you. The boys are old enough to handle our lodging, and I prefer going clothes shopping with friends." She then turned to ask Eric, "That's alright with you, right, old man?"

Eric gave an affirmative shrug. "Sure, no problem. You girls did it last time, after all." He smirked a bit. "Go have fun."

Magress watched as the girls thanked Eric for his blessing before they walked off on their shopping trip. It was then that he felt Zelban's hand on his shoulder.

"Not going?" asked the man in the emerald armor.

"Maybe later. After all, you old guys might need some help." Magress gestured to the four younger boys, who were standing stiff and motionless. Blood had already rushed to their cheeks.

Sighing, Zelban smirked a bit. "Ah, yes. Such is the power of the Virgin-Killer Sweater."

* * *

A/N:

Something I wrote several months ago. I had too much fun writing this. XD


End file.
